― Saul Bellow
Ever Been in Love
By: Leslie Li Hikida
“Have
you ever been in love?” he asks.
I
laugh at this because not too long ago my answer would have been yes, but right
now I’m tongue-tied.
“It’s funny how clear things can seem when you’re
intoxicated with the affections of another,” I say coyly.
“No stalling.
You picked ‘Truth’, so answer the question,” he prods.
I think this is silly. “Well, have you ever been in love?” I ask.
“Of course I have,” he replies too easily for my
taste. “Just once though.”
“Oh,” I say, then pause. “Is that all?” He nods. “What
was her name?”
“I can’t remember, but---.”
“Wait a minute, you were in love with her, but you
can’t remember her name?”
“She and I were not together for very long, only a
couple days, in fact,” he says.
Normally I would not buy into this, but something
about his European accent, the way every sentence he says sounds a little bit
like a question makes me believe he’s telling truth. I decide to go along with it.
“How old were you?” I ask.
“Don’t laugh, okay?”
I hold up two fingers saying, “Scout’s Honour.”
“I was only sixteen and she was, I think nineteen
or twenty.” He stops talking until
I can regain my composure. “I was
on vacation with my parents in London and she was the room attendant at our
hotel.”
“Saucy!” I say despite my best efforts to behave.
“Nevermind, we can talk about something else,” he
replies, his cheeks turning red.
“No, that was it. I promise.
Please...go on.”
He takes a deep breath. “We had passed by each other in the lobby and in the hall
many different times and every time she smiled at me. That’s what I remember most about her. That, and her eyes, they were this
absolute royal blue.
“Three nights before we were going to go back home
I finally got up the nerve to talk to her. My parents had left me at the hotel while they went to some
play or opera. I got fed up with the
TV in the room and went out to get some air. It was crisp and cool out, I remember that the hair on the
back of my neck stood up as soon as I stepped outside. The street our hotel was on was quiet
except for the occasional automobile.
“After I had been out there for a little bit, I saw
her exiting the hotel. She was
holding a cigarette in one hand while searching in her purse with the
other. Without warning she asked,
‘Do you have a lighter?’”
“Wait,” I interrupt. “I thought you said you got up the nerve to talk to her.”
“I did!” he replies in self-defense. “I could have very easily jumped like a
mouse and run back inside, which was my first instinct.” We both laugh. “Anyway, after what felt like an
awkward silence that lasted for an eternity I told her, ‘Sorry, but I don’t
smoke.’
“She frowned in a way that made me want to gather up
all the of fire in all of the world and give it to her just so long as she
never had to frown again. She
started to put the cigarette back in its pack and said, ‘Good. Don’t ever start. It’s a terrible habit.’ ‘How come you do it then?’ I asked
her. She giggled and I fell for
her even harder. ‘I don’t know
why,’ she said. ‘I guess it
relaxes me.’ She told me she would
be off at 11:30 and wanted me to come back to the front steps and meet her.”
“Do you want something to drink?” I ask him,
suddenly standing up from the sofa.
“Please,” he replies, un-phased. “Coffee?”
“Sure,” I say and head for the kitchen. “Pick something for us to watch while
I’m in here.”
He doesn’t reply, but it doesn’t matter. I have a feeling this little story of
his will be going on quite a while.
Why did he even bring it up?
It’s only our second date.
I mean, he was with that girl for only a few days and he knows without a
doubt that he was in love with her.
Meanwhile, I was with Brandon for two years and I can’t even answer that
question in my own head...not anymore anyway.
I press the start button on the coffee maker. I mean, I guess I was in love or why
else would I have stayed for so long?
It definitely wasn’t because we had tons to talk about. The silence between us in the car and
at dinners could have filled the Rose Bowl Stadium.
Then again, if I was in love with him, why was I in
such a hurry the last few months of our relationship to get the hell out of it? Bradnon was charismatic and charming,
sure. He was also so rational
about everything from how to deal with disagreements to what movie we should
see. And at first I thought that
was great, I thought what a gentleman he was, but then after a while, well, it
got kind of...boring. That’s when
I knew it had to end.
“Do you need any help in there?” he asks from the
living room.
“No,” I say, seeing the coffee is done. “I’ll be right out.”
He doesn’t notice I’ve re-entered the room until I
place the tray with our cups of coffee and some cookies I found in the cupboard
that I’m praying haven’t gone stale. He lifts his head from the back of the sofa and smiles.
“I love the smell of coffee,” he says.
We both take a mug and put in some cream and sugar.
“Did you pick something for us to watch?” I ask.
“Yes, but I wanted to finish telling you my story
first.”
I nod, “Oh, of course. You were saying she wanted you to meet her after her shift
at the hotel.”
“Ah, yes.
I waited until my parents had fallen asleep and went back down to the
front entrance of the hotel. I
waited there for half an hour and when she still wasn’t there after forty
minutes I laughed at myself. I
mean, I was just a kid, what would a beautiful woman like her want with me? So, I decided to go for a walk. And that’s when I heard her voice.
“’I’m so sorry I’m late,’ she said. ‘They never let
me go on time.’ I turned around
and by the way the light from the hotel was hitting her fair skin, I could have
sworn she was an angel. I told her
it was okay and that she was worth the wait. She said, ‘We’ll see about that.’ I can still remember the mischievous look in her blue eyes
when she said that. It drove me
crazy.
“So, she took my hand and we walked and walked until
we came to an open grassy field.
She took me out to the middle of it and from there we looked up and
could see nothing but stars upon stars in the sky.”
I suddenly have to interject, “And let me
guess. That’s when you made
passionate love for the first time.”
He laughs and shakes his head. “No, no, no. I know it must be hard to picture, but I was a shy little
boy then. Nothing like the rugged,
handsome man you see now.” Again,
we laugh at his little joke. “We
just sat and talked,” he says. “I
could have listened to her voice forever.
I will say that we kissed that night when she walked me back to the
hotel. It was the sweetest kiss I
think I’ve ever received. So
little was said, but so much was revealed.”
He stops to take a sip of his coffee. I don’t know how much more of this
story I can take. Brandon would
have hated it. He would have said
it was too sappy and that when it came to love, some things are better left
unsaid. I find myself agreeing and
disagreeing with him at the same time.
“Shall I go on?” he asks, as if sensing my
discomfort.
“Oh, yes, please,” I lie.
“The next morning, my parents woke me up. They told me something had happened and
we would have to return home a day early.
As soon as I had my suitcase packed I was running up and down the halls,
searching for her. I couldn’t
leave without saying good-bye.
“We stood in the lobby as my father checked us out
of our room. I scanned every
corner praying I would see her royal blue eyes one last time. My heart sank as I picked up my
suitcase to follow them out. That’s
when I felt someone grab my arm. I
turned and there she was. I told
her I was worried I wasn’t going to see her before we left. She threw her arms around me and said,
‘Thank you.’ ‘For what?’ I asked. She said that since we met she decided
to quit smoking. Despite my
parents watching us, I kissed her once more.
“It was then that I learned what love was. Up until that point I thought love was
what we see in the movies, but it has nothing to do with rose petals or
perfume. What it is is truth. I’ll never know if she smoked another
cigarette, but I don’t have to.
For that moment I loved her and that was enough to make her want to be a
better person. In improving her, I
improved myself.” He paused. “You’re a million miles away, my dear.”
“What?” I ask, looking at him again.
“So, that is my ‘Truth’. Now it is your turn to tell me yours. Shall I ask you the question again?”
I look down at the empty coffee mug in my
hand. After hearing his story and how
resolute he was in his explanation I say, “No, I have my answer.”
