“Waiting on a Heartbeat.”
Melissa knew she should have eaten something that morning...or at least in the afternoon. That was usually how it started. It was the first turn of the lock that kept her monster securely in its cage. Having slept only a few hours the night before, she would wake up feeling slightly off. A heaviness would settle in her throat and chest and by lunchtime finding her appetite still missing in action, she would settle for a handful of peanuts from Craft Service and a sip of water. Perhaps another cup of coffee. Turn, click...turn, click, click.
Now it was 5:15 p.m. on a frigidly cold soundstage and she was beginning to have those dark thoughts again, thoughts someone who should be on a healthy dose of Prozac shouldn’t have. She could hear creaking of the big, metal door in her mind. The monster was out and wanted to play.
If I did it in the bathtub it wouldn’t make too much of a mess for the landlady to clean up. But what about the cats? I’ll leave their food dishes overflowing and fill every bowl I own with water for them. I could leave the door open a crack, so they could get out too and then someone is more likely to find my body before it gets too rotted and smelly…
Melissa shook her head, knowing what she had just thought was crazy. She didn’t want to die, but this was how it got to be sometimes. Her thoughts would come on too fast, too dark until she had no choice but to placate them, fantasize her own demise justy for a little while. And as awful as it was, these thoughts were no stranger to her for her monster had lived with her for as long as she could remember.
* * *
It was cold for a winter’s day in Fresno. Melissa was in Mrs. Browns first grade class. She had come in from the cold with three big maple leaves covered in frosty ice crystals. They looked like they were encrusted in diamonds and she couldn’t wait to show her best friends Kimery and Kendra at recess. Melissa was no longer allowed to sit next to either for the girls anymore.
“Your daughter talks too much in class,” Mrs. Brown told Melissa’s mother at their first parent/teacher conference. “She has a hard time paying attention.”
Now Melissa sat next to Doug and another boy named Marshall who had a braided rattail on the back of his head and dirt caked under his fingernails.
Melissa did her best to sit quietly while they practiced writing capital and lowercase letters on tan, lined recycled paper with yellow No. 2 pencils. But she could hear her two best friends giggling throughout class and wondered why she was the one who had to be separated. When it was time for recess, Melissa ran to get her coat and the sparkly leaves from her cubbie. To her disappointment, when she pulled the leaves from the shelf she found that all of the frost had melted.
“Melissa, throw those soggy leaves in the waste basket,” ordered Mrs. Brown. She did as she was told. “Now go outside until the bell rings.”
Melissa put on her coat with the mittens connected through each sleeve by a long piece of yarn. Once she was outside she scanned the playground for Kimery and Kendra. They weren’t by their usual spot on the jungle gym. As Melissa wandered around the browned grass she looked around and felt as though everyone she saw was playing with someone, as if the whole school could be put into pairs of two, everyone except her. Good thing I have Kimery and Kendra, she thought.
“There they are!” she said to herself as she spotted the two girls behind the playground ramada. She picked up her pace, knowing she had already missed too much of the day’s gossip.
“Aren’t you so glad Melissa isn’t sitting next to us anymore, Kimery?” Kendra asked. “She’s so loud and she looks like she never brushes her hair.”
“Yeah,” Kimery agreed before looking up and seeing Melissa standing not that far away. “I mean, I like Melissa. She’s our best friend.”
Kendra saw Melissa too and immediately changed her attitude. “Hey, Melissa,” she said. “We were looking for you. Did you hear anything we just said?”
Melissa pushed the sting of tears back from her eyes while shaking her head. “No, I...I was coming to tell you guys about…”
Kimery and Kendra both laughed. “You’re so silly, Melissa,” Kendra said. “Come over here and let us fix your hair.”
Not wanting to be an outcast, Melissa obediently sat down on the frozen ground.
* * *
Melissa’s cell phone vibrated in her puffy jacket pocket. She pulled it out and read.
Ryan: I know deep in my heart there is someone out there you were meant to be with. It just isn’t me. I don’t want to stand in your way of finding that happiness anymore. I’m rooting for you, Melissa.
Ryan was a guy she had been seeing on and off for the last four years. She should have known by now that things just weren’t meant to be with him, but just like the little girl who heard those girls in first grade say how they really felt about her, she was so quick to come back into the fold once it seemed like they liked her again.
