I'm REALLY happy with how this chapter is shaping up.

This was previously titled "Accidental Babies" after a Damien Rice song, but it is now titled "But I'm thinking of what Sarah said..." after a Death Cab for Cutie song. If you're familiar with the song and you read this chapter, you'll know why.

“But I’m thinking of what Sarah said…”  (REVISED)

            Ramona spotted Anderson stepping through the front door of the Venice coffee house she had been sitting, waiting for him at for the last half an hour.  She saw him run a hand through his long dirty-blonde surfer hair.  And, as he took off his black-framed sunglasses, she immediately felt that part inside of her that foolishly melted at the sight of him melt.  She told herself to stay strong.  It was two weeks since her best friend Liz’s wedding, two weeks since she had told Anderson she was pregnant with his baby.  This was the first time they were meeting face to face.

            She expected him to be his usual relaxed self, but when he got closer, she saw he was anything but.  She stood up, suddenly not knowing the proper decorum in which to greet her newly appointed baby-daddy.

            “Hi,” Anderson said, reaching for a handshake as Ramona went in for a hug.  They stepped back from each other awkwardly.

            “Sorry,” Ramona said, covering her face, embarrassed.

            “Totally my fault.  Let’s just…sit, should we?”

            “Yes, let’s.”  They both took a seat across from each other.  Ramona was overcompensating for how nervous she was by attempting to make direct eye contact with Anderson.  “Thanks again for meeting me,” she said.

            He shrugged, avoiding any contact at all with her.  “Ain’t no thang,” he replied.   “Do they have beer here?”

            “I don’t think so, Andy.  It’s a coffee shop.”  She could feel herself losing patience with him now.  “But you can order something to eat…totally on me.”

            “Thanks, I’m not hungry, just thirsty as hell.”

            “They have water right over there,” said Ramona, pointing to a large water dispenser at the end of the coffee bar.

            “Sweet.”  Anderson got up and went to get a glass.  “You want one?” he asked.

            Ramona shook her head.  “No, thank you.”

            He came back to the table with his glass and that’s when she saw his hand was trembling.  They sat in awkward silence.

            “So…” said Anderson finally.  “What’s the plan…exactly?”

            Ramona shrugged.  “I don’t know.  I’ve never been in this situation before…have you?”

            Anderson immediately shook his head.  “No, never.  And not to be a dick, but are you sure it’s m---.”

            “Yes, it’s yours, Andy.  You’re the only person I’ve been with this year.”  He nodded, believing her completely.  “Unless of course, this is Immaculate Conception, which would be really fucked up since I’ve never been to church a day in my life, except for once for my mother’s funeral.”  Ramona started to tear up all of a sudden, no doubt a side effect of the rush of hormones now coursing through her body.  “Andy, I don’t want you to think I did this on purpose or that I had some sort of plan to trap you.”  She broke down and couldn’t continue.

            Without skipping a beat, Anderson reached across the table, putting a now steady hand on her forearm.  “Mona, I don’t think that at all,” he reassured her.  “These things happen and we’re gonna figure out a solution, all right?”

            Ramona wiped the tears from her eyes.  Anderson never ceased to amaze her.  She was shocked at how supportive he was being.  And she liked that he could call her “Mona” so easily.  The only other person who ever called her that had been her mother. 

           

* * *

            It was her junior year of high school and Ramona was in a rush to get ready that morning.  She couldn’t believe she had been able to raise and maintain a 4.0 grade point average considering how fucked-up and unrecognizable her home life had become over the last eight months.  She was never an academic over-achiever, but studying gave her something else to focus on.

            Lately it took Ramona hours to fall asleep at night.  There were the sounds of endless coughing followed by agonizing moans coming through the thin walls and A/C vents of her family’s house.  Ramona thought about all the nights as a child she had run into her parents’ bedroom when she had a bad dream.  Her mother would sweep her up into her arms and Ramona would press her head to her chest, feeling her heartbeat.  It seemed so childish and naïve to her now.  What did that little girl know about true fear and all that was to come?  Now the real nightmare was her mother and there was no safe place or person left to run to.

            Ramona looked at herself in the mirror, noting the dark circles that had settled under her eyes.  She silently wished that if her mom was going to die, it would just happen already so that she could finally have a good night’s rest.  She raised a hand to her mouth to muffle a gasp, feeling the guilt of that death wish crush her once again.  Ramona closed her eyes, mentally pulling herself together as best she could so that she could sneak out of the house before her father noticed.

            “Come on,” she said, walking into the kitchen to her younger brother, Justin.  “If you want to ride to school with me, we have to leave now.”

            Normally, Justin would have stalled for no reason at all, just to give her a hard time.  But these days he knew, even at the age of fourteen, how tightly wound up everyone in the house was and did his best to fall in line and not cause waves.  Ramona never thought she was say it, but she missed bickering with him and having their mom or dad rush in to break it up.  Justin just nodded, gathering his books and backpack from the kitchen table. 

            As they were each about to get into opposite sides of Ramona’s car, they saw their father, Winston, come out to the carport.  He looked the way you’d expect a man in his 30’s about to become a widow with two teenage kids to take care of would look.   Ramona saw how much weight he had lost in the last few months and she despised how pasty white his skin had become.  He must have heard them shut and lock the back door when they were leaving.  She tried to be so careful.

            “Kids, get back in here!” he called out to them.  Winston was the one who sat up through the night with his wife.  He was the one who changed her bedpan and checked her forehead to make sure she wasn’t running a fever.  If anyone deserved to wish for all of this to be over, it was him.  But he never did. 

              “Dad, we’re late!” Ramona protested, hoping this would convince him to let them go.

            “I said, ‘get back here!!’” he shouted again.  Justin and Ramona both looked at each other before closing their car doors and walking back to the house.  As they were passing, Winston stopped them.  “I know this is hard on you two,” he said, his bottom lip quivering, “but your mother…she’s not getting better…and all she wants is to say goodbye to you both before you leave for school in the mornings.  Can you please just do her that one goddamn thing?”  Winston never used to curse.

            Justin couldn’t hold back his words any longer.  “But she won’t even know we---.”

            “Go!” Winston shouted, pointing to the house.  They both jumped, startled.

            Ramona put her hand on Justin’s shoulder to let him know she would be right behind him.  They walked upstairs to their parents’ bedroom, every step feeling like it took all the strength they had.  When they opened the bedroom door it took a moment for them to adjust to the darkness.  All of the windows had to be blacked out because their mom’s eyes were now too sensitive for any light.  Ramona hated the sight of the oxygen tank next to their bed.  It was in the spot where Ramona used to sit on the floor and let her mom brush her hair.   She sensed her children approaching and did her best to open her eyes a slit.

            Justin stopped as close to her bedside as his feet would allow him to go.  “Bye, Mom,” he said softly, leaning down to kiss one side of her ashen, gray face.  Before she could even feel the sensation of his warm lips, he was out of the room and not even Winston could stop him.

            Ramona took a deep breath and stepped forward.  Her mother’s glassy brown eyes looked up at her then.  Ramona wanted to weep into her mother’s breast the way she had done as a child, for her to take Ramona into her arms and assure her everything was going to be all right, but Ramona willed herself to be brave and stay strong now for the both of them.  Her mom inhaled painfully and reached out her hand.  Ramona took it, but it didn’t feel familiar to her anymore.  The skin she touched felt dry as paper and deathly cold.  It was the hand of a stranger.

            “Mona,” her mom said, breathlessly.  Ramona shut her eyes tightly, the tears running down her face like faucets now.  Her mother’s eyes rolled back in her head the hand Ramona was holding went limp.  She couldn’t stay conscious for too long anymore.

            Ramona looked back at her father now.  All he did was nod and she knew she was excused.  That was the last time Ramona’s mother was able to say her name to her. 

* * *

            Ramona and Anderson still sat silently in the coffee shop.  A million thoughts were running through her head, some making sense and others sounding absolutely bananas.

“I think…I want to keep it,” she suddenly blurted out and it was as if they both paused to make sure they had heard her right.  She looked at him, expecting he would pull his hand away.  But again, he surprised her.

            “Okay, Mona,” he replied, nodding.  His blue eyes finally met hers.  “If that’s what you want…I’m there.”

She Doesn't Know How

I can't remember if I've posted previous drafts of this before, but this is a revised chapter.  Actually, it's two chapters I've decided to fold into one.

“She doesn’t know how.”

            Melissa sat at the small desk from Ikea in her apartment, her leather-bound journal open in front of her.  Tears were right at the surface.  She could produce them at any moment.  They tickled her nose, making it uncomfortable to breathe.  Just as the first tear leaked from one of her eyes, she wrote:

            When I was little, they told me to believe in myself.  They told me to follow my dreams and ANYTHING I wanted to be, I could be.  I’m seeing now how that was a lie.  Well, not completely.  The part they forgot to tell me about, the un-sexy, less romantic truth is that I could be anything I wanted…as long as it made a steady income, as long as I would be given health and dental and a nice little 401K to match.  The only acceptable dreams are the ones that chain you to desks inside windowless offices.

            Melissa was twenty-nine.  She had moved to Los Angeles nine years ago to finish grad school at the University of Southern California.  That is where she met one of her best friends, Johnny.  That was long before the night he professed his love for her in his car in front of her apartment.   Frightened of what that meant, she pushed him away.  That was more than three years ago and she hoped he was somewhere, happy.

            Melissa looked at a large stack of papers on the corner of her desk.  It was the 75-page petition she was given by the bankruptcy court to file for Chapter 7.  This was never part of her childhood dream.  She felt slapped with shame. 

Her parents, both immigrants from the Philippines had so much hope for their only daughter.  She was going to become so much more than they could have dreamt of being in the new, exciting country they would come to call home.  And for most of Melissa’s life, it looked as though things would end up that way.

* * *

            “I am so proud of you, Missy,” said her father Ronald.

            It was graduation day at USC.  She stood before them in her graduation cap and gown.  Her stomach had been in knots all morning.  Melissa was getting her Masters Degree in American Literature.  She was going to get her PhD and be a professor.

            “We knew you would make us proud,” said Jeanie, her mother.

            “Thanks, Mom and Dad,” Melissa replied, trying her best to return their bright smiles.  She knew she had to tell them, but she didn’t know how and she wondered if they could sense something was wrong.

“We’ll be up in the bleachers watching you,” said Ronald.  “And then we will meet you afterward and take you to breakfast.”

Melissa nodded.  “Okay, Daddy.”  They each gave her a kiss on the cheek, then turned to head toward the stadium.  “Wait!” Melissa called out to them suddenly. 

They turned back to her, confused.

            “Did you forget something?” Jeanie asked, almost accusingly.

            “No, I…I have to tell you something.”  They nodded and walked back to her.  “Mommy, Daddy, I don’t want to be a professor.”

            “Well, that’s all right, honey,” said Ronald.  “You can be just a regular teacher.”

            Melissa shook her head, knowing this would break their hearts.  “No, that’s not what I’m saying.”

            “What exactly are you saying, Melissa?  What is it you want to be?” asked her mother sternly.

            Melissa shut her eyes and the words fell out.  “An actress,” she said, barely loud enough for them to hear, but they did hear.

Ronald and Jeanie looked at each other, both so disappointed.  They didn’t take Melissa out for breakfast that day.  And they didn’t speak to her for months afterward.

* * *

             Melissa’s cell phone buzzed.  “Hello?” she said, trying to hide the fact she was upset.

            “Hey,” replied her best friend in a cheerful tone.  “I’m sorry.  Did I wake you?  You sound tired.”

            “No, Anna, and I hate that everyone assumes that since I don’t work a regular full-time job that I must sleep in until noon every day.  I get up and do shit like normal people.”

            “Geez, someone’s feisty this morning.  I was going to ask you to meet me for lunch, but never mind.”

            Melissa sighed.  “I’m sorry.  It’s not you.  I haven’t worked at all in the last two weeks and I’m freaking out.”  She paused before adding, “It’s paralyzing sometimes.”

            “No, I’m sorry, Melissa,” Anna replied.  “That is upsetting.  Anything I can do to cheer you up?”

            “I don’t think so.  I shouldn’t be around people right now.  I’m going to get coffee and read.  I’ll call you later this week.”

Melissa had the hardest time finding parking once she arrived at Aromas in Hollywood.  She immediately remembered it was Labor Day weekend and that all of L.A. was be out having brunch.  She almost turned back to go home, but forced herself to keep to looking for a space.  She parked nearly half a mile away.  Normally she would be annoyed, but decided the walk might do her some good.

            “I’m sorry,” said the female cashier, handing Melissa her debit card back once she had finally made it to the front of the line at the coffee bar.  “Your card’s declined.  I can’t run it again.  Can you pay with another card?”

            Melissa took her card back and started digging through her wallet, knowing full well that all five of the credit cards in her wallet were maxed out.  “I might have two dollars in change,” she said as she struggled.

            “Here, I’ve got it, please,” said a handsome gentleman behind her.  She had noticed him the moment he got in line.  “And I’ll take a non-fat latte and butter croissant.”

            “I’m sorry,” Melissa said, her face turning bright red from the shame of not being able to buy herself her own cup of coffee.

            “Please, buying beautiful women coffee is one of my favourite pass-times.”  Melissa’s heart skipped a beat.  “It’s my pleasure,” he said.

            “Well, thank you.”  Melissa smiled for the first time that morning.  She took her coffee to look for an open table.  She felt his eyes on her the whole time.

            She found one in a sunny spot on the patio.  After adding cream and sugar to her coffee, she settled into her seat and opened the book she was reading.  She started to feel like her regular self, taking occasional sips from her cup, inhaling deeply and calmly as she read.

            “Excuse me,” said a man’s voice, startling her a little.  Melissa looked up to see it was the man from the line.  “Sorry to bother you, but since I paid for your coffee, I thought you might be able to do something for me.”

            “Sure, I can try,” offered Melissa, wondering what she could possibly do for someone like him.  She knew she had to look like absolute garbage at that moment.

            The man took an iPhone out of his no-doubt-designer dark-denim jeans.  “My personal assistant downloaded an update for my phone and now I can’t get it to…”

            His voice trailed off and Melissa took the phone from him.  “I’m no expert, I’ll take a look.”  She started pushing different prompts on the screen for a moment before turning the touchscreen back to him.  “There.  Is that better?”

            He looked pleasantly surprised.  “Yes, that’s perfect.  How did you do that?”

            “You just---.”

            “You know what?” he interrupted.  “Don’t tell me.  Give me your phone number and from now on, whenever I need technical support for my phone I am calling you.”  They both laughed.  “Would that be all right?  If I called you sometime?” he asked kindly.

            Melissa shrugged excitedly.  “Yes, of course,” she answered, taking the phone back to program in her number.

            “What’s your name?” he asked as she typed.

            “Melissa.”

            “Melissa?” he replied, taking back his phone.  “My name is Aaron.”

            Melissa took the hand he offered her and felt her heart skip again.

Aaron.

Been wondering what Aaron has been doing since the end of the last book?  Me too!!  Here's a sneak-peak:

“Summer in the city.”

                                    It was nearing the end of August.  It still felt too hot in L.A. to be autumn.  Aaron sat on a park bench watching his newest female companion, Sadie, a beautiful full-bred border collie run around a West Hollywood dog park with an array of other mutts.  He couldn’t understand how she was able to stand the heat with all that fur.

            “Sadie!” he called out.  She obediently perked up her ears and came running, tongue hanging out of her long snout.  Aaron lovingly wrapped his arms around her as she stood up on her hind legs, putting her front paws in his lap.  She started licking mercilessly at his face.  “Okay, okay, that’s enough, beautiful.”  He stood up and she jumped around his feet as if he were about to bestow some great reward upon her.  “All right, one more time,” he said.  He pulled out a blue rubber ball hidden in his back pocket and threw it as far as he could.  Sadie was off like a lightning bolt!

            Once home, Aaron hung Sadie’s red leash up on a hook by the door leading in from the garage.  Sadie, worn out from the afternoon’s excitement retired to her dog bed in front of the living room sofa.  Aaron went to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water.  He knew the air conditioner was out by the way he was sweating even more, despite having just come in from the triple-digit weather outside.  After setting a big metal bowl filled to the brim with water beside Sadie, he went upstairs to soak a bath towel in cold water to wipe her down with.

            His cell phone rang.  “Andy Anderson, what’s up?” he said.

            “Not a whole lot, bro.  Just wanted to let you know we’re playing a show tonight at Boardener’s if you find yourself in the area.”            

            “Thanks, man.”  Aaron pulled a crème-coloured towel from his hallway closet.   “It’s so hot though.”

            “Dude, I fuckin’ know!  It’s brutal,” Anderson replied.

            “My air conditioner is out again,” he complained, immediately regretting it.

            “Man, that must be terrible.  I live out of my car half of the week.”

            “Hey, I told you you’re more than welcome to crash here whenever,” Aaron said in his own defense.

            “I don’t need your charity…but I might be by later to use your shower before the show.”  
They both laughed.   "Fair enough," said Aaron. 

            “All right, man,” Anderson sighed.  “When you’re old and alone, sitting in a rocking chair in some nursing home, you can’t say I didn’t try to save you.”

            Aaron rolled his eyes and hung up the phone.  As he walked to the bathroom, a woman’s earring fell out of the towel he was holding.  He picked it up.  It was Monique’s, his most recent ex-girlfriend’s.  He was surprised to be finding it now since she’d moved out almost a year ago.  Seeing and holding her earring suddenly made him feel sad, but he remembered Sadie downstairs.  He threw the gold hoop earring onto the bathroom counter then went to turn on the bathtub faucet.

Jared and Jessa Part I

New Chapter!

Jared and Jessa Part I

Jared sat at a big table in the back of Il Caprice.  He was a Pasadena native and had been coming to this restaurant with his family since he was a kid.  He was there with his mother and father, his sister Madison, her husband Allen, and their four-year-old son Tommy.  He looked around at all of the people seated around him who were smiling and laughing with one another.  Jared felt like such an outsider.  That is how he felt most of the time, despite the fact that his whole family had gathered that night just for him.

 “Are we getting dessert?” asked Tommy.  “I want dessert!”

“Ssh, ssh,” replied Madison.  She looked up at Jared.  “What do you say, Uncle Jerry?  Indulge your sweet tooth?”

Jared shook his head.  “No, I---,” he started to say, but before he could finish, the faint sound of the birthday song started creeping up from behind him.  Soon, the whole restaurant joined in the singing.  The smiling waitress placed a round chocolate cake in front of him with exactly thirty lit candles on top.  Madison reached into her purse and pulled out one more.

“Thirty-one for good luck,” she said as she lit it and placed it beside the others.  “Now, make a wish!”

Jared closed his eyes and really thought for a few seconds.  He blew out the candles and everybody cheered.  After dinner, Jared and his family walked out to the street.

“I want to go to Uncle Jerry’s house!” Tommy shouted.

“Not tonight, little man,” replied Allen.

“Next time,” Jared offered, but Tommy was already enthralled with a spinning pinwheel in the closed storefront of the toy store next to the restaurant.

“What are your plans now?  Going to meet some of the guys from work for a drink?” asked Ruth, Jared’s mom.

“No, not tonight,” he answered with a yawn.

“How about grabbing a beer with your old man?” asked his dad.

Jared shook his head.  “No, thanks.  I’m just going to call it a night.”

“BORING,” teased Madison.  She winked at him as she reached out to give him a hug.  “I love you, baby brother.”

“Thanks for everything, Maddy.  Love you too.”

“And I love you, Uncle Jerry!” Tommy exclaimed, wrapping his arms tightly around Jared’s right leg.

He reached down and tousled Tommy’s dirty blonde hair.  “Goodnight, little man.”

Jared hugged the rest of the family before all of them dispersed into different directions down the streets of Old Town.  Jared sat in his car on Central Avenue fiddling with the buttons on his XM Radio.  He settled on a talk show with a pleasant-sounding woman giving advice to someone.

“Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results,” she said.  Jared’s mind started to wander and his eyes drifted to a little dive bar close to his apartments.  It had always looked intriguing to him, but he had never gone in.  “So if you want something you’ve never had,” the woman continued, “you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.  It’s really very simple…”

Just then, as if something was guiding his hand, Jared found himself parallel parking in front of the bar.  He got out of his car and walked inside.  The place smelled like cigarettes even though smoking had been banned in bars and restaurants for years.  It didn’t seem like cops or much of anyone else stopped by that often, so they probably didn’t have anything to worry about.  There was a jukebox in the back.  A blinking neon sign that read, “Bada Bing!” with the silhouette of a naked woman hung above it.  A couple drunk barflies sat at the far end of the bar laughing and slapping each other on the backs.

Jared took a seat.

“What can I get you, stranger?” asked the bartender.

“Whiskey, neat.”  Jared pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at it.  No missed calls.  He didn’t know why he even checked anymore.  Habit.  The bartender set his drink in front of him.  “Thank you,” Jared said.

After a few sips, the door opened loudly.  Jared looked and saw a woman enter.  She was beautiful with thick, long brown hair that reached down to her waist.  She wore a long black skirt and she walked with purpose.  Jared looked back down at his glass.

“What can I get you?” asked the bartender.

Despite all of the empty seats at the bar, the woman sat right next to Jared.  “Rum and cranberry please.”

“Rum and…”

“Cranberry,” she repeated and then started digging through her large leather purse.  

“Does that even taste good?” Jared asked before he could stop the words from coming out of his mouth.

The woman looked at him, a little startled by his question.  “Yeah, it is actually.”  The bartender set the drink in front of her.  “Want to try it?” she asked.

Jared shrugged and took a sip.  “Hmmm...not bad,” he said, sliding the glass back to her side.

“Yeah, I used to get rum and Cokes, but the Coke kept me up late at night, so it’s rum and cranberries for me now.”

“I see.”

“Plus,” she continued.  “The cranberry juice is good for U.T.I.’s.”  Jared looked at her.  She covered her mouth with her hand.  “Jesus, Jessa.  Learn to shut up for once.  I’m sorry,” she apologized.  “I tend to over-share with strangers sometimes.”

Jared smiled and replied, “That’s all right.  I don’t mind.”  

She smiled back.  “What’s your name?” she asked.

“Jared.  Yours?”

“Jessa.”

“I like that,” he said almost inaudibly.

“What?”

He cleared his throat.  “I said, ‘I like that.’  It’s pretty.”  He could see Jessa blushing.  After a few moments of awkward silence, Jared asked, “Do you mind if I over-share something with you?”

“Absolutely not,” Jessa replied, tipping her head back to consume the last of her cocktail.

“Today is my 30th birthday,” he said.  

“Oh, well, happy birthday!  The next round is on me.”

“That’s not the part I wanted to share,” he continued.  

“What is it then?” she asked, waving the bartender over.

Jared looked her dead in the eyes.  “I haven’t slept with anyone in almost two years.”

Jessa’s eyebrow raised with curiosity.  “Well,” she replied, “I guess we better order a couple more rounds.”

Jared felt delicious chills run up and down his spine.  He couldn’t believe the dumb wish he had  made on his birthday cake earlier that night was actually coming true.