Depression is a disease that I suffer from and have most likely suffered from since I was in grade school. It is hard for me to write and post these chapters and entries because they contain ideas and themes our society likes to pretend doesn't exist. It also exposes a more raw and darker side of myself I sometimes wish didn't exist. But I write and post them to shine light on the monster that is depression. And in shining that light, I hope others will be able to shine light on their monster and know they are not alone.
“Waiting on a heartbeat.”
Melissa knew she should have eaten
something that morning. And she knew she
definitely should have eaten something sometime that afternoon. Eating properly was the first lock on the
cage that kept her monster securely in its cage. And the key that could turn that lock was not
getting enough sleep the night before. And
since she had not slept well and had not eaten, that lock was opened and the
monster inside began stretching its legs.
Melissa had woken up that morning feeling off
balance, but she didn’t have time to think about it. It was 5:00 in the morning and she had to get
herself camera-ready and out the door in order to arrive on time to the TV
production set she was going to be playing a diner patron on that day. It was for a sitcom that was sure to be
cancelled before it would even air called, “Me and Mr. Roper”. Being an extra was a job a lot of people in
the industry looked down on, but Melissa happened to love it. Ever since she was a child she loved watching
TV and movies, imagining that somehow, some way someday she would be part of
the magic and now she was.
When the production crew broke for
lunch at 1:00 in the afternoon, certain heaviness had settled into Melissa’s
throat and chest making it uncomfortable to breathe. She looked at the steam rising from the trays
of hot food that the craft service people had put out, instantly feeling
nauseous and sick to her stomach. This
was going to get bad before it got worse.
She reached into her purse, pulling out a packet of trail mix she had
horded from another set. That would be
her lunch, she reasoned. And maybe another cup of coffee, she
thought. Turn, click…turn, click, click. The monster sat grinning.
After lunch, Melissa sat in silence
on a soundstage with large air conditioning tubes that tangled and twisted
overhead, blowing frigidly cold air mercilessly on her and the other extras
seated around her. She couldn’t stop her
teeth from chattering and cursed herself for forgetting to bring a coat. She looked around at the others. No one seemed to notice or care, everyone
enthralled in his or her own cell phone.
She couldn’t blame them for not noticing her misery. On set, it was every man for himself.
And that’s when the dark thoughts
started to come, thoughts too dark for someone who was supposed to be on a
healthy dose of SSRI anti-depressants to have.
Melissa had heard traces of these thoughts coming to her since she woke
up that morning, but they were too faint to clearly understand, but she could
understand them all too well now. Her
monster was out of its cage…and it wanted to play.
If
I slit my wrists in the bathtub, it wouldn’t make too much of a mess.
Melissa instantly felt a pang of
guilt for not taking her cats into consideration.
I
could leave their food dishes overflowing with dry food and that way they could
survive until my corpse stunk enough to alert John and Nichole next door.
Melissa shook her head in an attempt
to shake off her dark thoughts. She knew
what she was contemplating was extreme, but at that moment she didn’t
care. She felt she could slip right off
the edge of the earth and even welcomed it.
She looked at her phone feeling as
though the day might never end.
“At least I’m
making double-overtime,” she told herself in an attempt to give herself
something positive to think about, but the dark thoughts were coming too fast
and too loud. She had no choice but to
placate them and besides, it wasn’t all bad.
Sometimes Melissa even found fantasizing her own demise like a kind of
game because in truth, this monster was no stranger to her at all. It had lived inside of her for as long as she
could remember.
* * *
It was a cold winter day for Fresno. Melissa was in Mrs. Brown’s first grade
class. She had come in from the cold
with three big maple leaves covered in frosted ice crystals. She thought they looked like shiny diamonds
and could not wait to show her best friends, Kimery and Kendra. She would have to wait until lunch recess
since Mrs. Brown had separated Melissa from sitting with them the week before.
“Your daughter is a lovely child, but she talks
entirely too much,” Mrs. Brown told Melissa’s mother at her first
parent/teacher conference. “And she has
a hard time concentrating. I often catch
her staring off into space.”
Melissa felt so embarrassed. She couldn’t take criticism well at that
young and fragile age. Her desk was
moved from beside Kimery and Kendra clear to the other side of the
classroom. She now sat next to Marshall,
a boy with a long rat tail braided down the middle of his back. Melissa hated him.
Melissa did her best to pay attention that day, but
a moth walking across the window caught her eye. She heard Kimery and Kendra laughing and
wondered why Mrs. Brown never scolded them.
When it was time for recess, Melissa ran to the
cubby room to retrieve her diamond-encrusted leaves from that morning. There was so much hustle and bustle she was
the last one to make it inside. She was
so disappointed when she pulled out the maple leaves to see the frost had all
melted.
“Melissa, what on earth are you doing with those
wet leaves?” asked Mrs. Brown. Before
Melissa could respond, Mrs. Brown continued, “You’re dripping water
everywhere. Just throw those away and go
outside like everyone else.”
Melissa felt her cheeks burn red as she dropped the
big leaves into a large, metal gray trashcan.
She was beginning to hate Mrs. Brown too.
Melissa went outside, immediately scanning the
playground for Kimery and Kendra. They
weren’t in their usual spot on the jungle gym.
She saw her breath in the air every time she exhaled as she ran to the
cement ramada in the middle of the playground.
She followed the sound of Kimery and Kendra’s laughter.
As she came around the back wall of the ramada, she
heard Kimery say, “I’m so happy Melissa isn’t sitting by us anymore, aren’t
you?”
“Yeah!” Kendra exclaimed. Melissa felt her heart sink.
“She has ugly black hair that looks like she never
even brushes it.”
Kendra laughed some more before looking up, seeing
Melissa standing a few feet away from them looking hurt. “Hi, Melissa!” Kendra said excitedly. “You didn’t hear anything we were talking
about, did you?”
Too afraid to cause trouble and lose her only
friends, Melissa shook her head.
“We were wondering where you were,” Kimery
lied. “Come over here and let us braid
your pretty hair.”
Without a second thought, Melissa obediently sat
down on the frozen ground and let the two girls pull at her hair. She was glad she was facing away from them
because then they couldn’t see her crying.
* * *
Melissa’s cell phone vibrated. She walked out of the soundstage to check
it. It felt good have the late afternoon
sun on her frozen skin. Her heart
skipped a beat when she saw there was a text message from Ryan, a guy she had
been seeing on and off for the last three years. It read:
Ryan: Mel, you are an amazing woman. You deserve everything you want in a
relationship, but I am not the person who can give those things to you. We have tried so many times and it isn’t
working. I won’t stand in your way anymore. Please don’t give up on yourself. I’m rooting for you.
She couldn’t count how many times
Ryan had sent this type of message to her before. She should have believed him. She should have made the decision to look for
someone new. She knew herself better
than that though. She knew they would be
in contact in a few days or a few weeks or a few months. And she knew she would take him back no
matter his excuse because deep inside she was still that little girl on the
playground, the little girl who knew exactly what certain people she cared
about thought of her. And yet, still so
eager to be by their side the minute they said something nice to say.
